Peace River

Scene: It’s dusk on Monday night. Game 7 is tomorrow. Each of the players is dealing with it in their own way. Some drink. Some go on a candy binge. Some read confusing Russian novels. Some get their highlights retouched. Jimmy Howard would like to be playing video games or talking the hotel chefs into letting him run the kitchens for an our, but he’s received an urgent message from Ozzie, telling him to arrive at a certain address for “Game Prep.”

Jimmy sighs, but obediently gets out his GPS (programmed to sound like an Australian girl named Kimberly), hotwires a car from the parking lot, and drives to the undisclosed location. He turns in front of the last cactus on the left and pulls to a stop in front of the building. And decides that Kimberly has no idea what she’s talking about.

The sign on the establishment reads: Twisty Limbs Yoga Studio.

Jimmy: *pulls out cell phone; hits speed dial 2*

Ozzie: You better not be driving. Do you know how many cell phone related accidents happen each year? It’s a little late in the year to be breaking in a new goalie.

Jimmy: You gave me the wrong address. I knew 82 Tumbleweed Drive sounded fishy

Ozzie: No, no that’s right? Are you here? Hurry up; the coffee maker is trying to kill me.

Jimmy: You sent me to a Yoga Studio?

Ozzie: Argh! It’s spraying something! That’s not coffee! Aaaaarrrgggh *gurglecrashbang*

The line goes dead. Jimmy shakes his head but goes to enter the building.

Ozzie is in the large, open studio, barefoot, but otherwise in full gear. He’s struggling with a coffee pot in the corner, somehow having gotten tangled with the cord and covered with a black liquid.

Ozzie: It’s fighting back! Ack! *strangling, turning blue*

Jimmy: Again? Seriously? Your blood is like 90% caffeine; how do you not know how to work the coffee pot?

Ozzie: ASDLJ;K;DFLKA’AK;! *strangulation*

Jimmy frees Ozzie from the perilous machinery and gets a consumable beverage brewing.

Jimmy: Are you going to tell me what we’re doing here? I’m trying to unlock the Special Cup on Mario Cart

Ozzie: You haven’t beaten that yet? Haven’t you been playing for like 3 months?

Jimmy: WHY ARE WE IN A YOGA STUDIO?

Ozzie: *setting down his coffee mug and assuming Zen Mode* We have a very important game tomorrow. You can’t have nerves getting in the way of your performance.

Jimmy: But I’m not ner-

Ozzie: So I’ve decided it’s time to teach you the ways of Peace River.

Jimmy: Peace River?

Ozzie: Peace River.

Jimmy: Isn’t that in Alberta?

Ozzie: It’s really more a state of mind.

Jimmy: No, I’m pretty sure it’s in Alberta. I read your bio on Wikipedia. You’re s’posed to be good at elephant polo too.

Ozzie: No Elephants! *coughs, regathers self* Peace River is not just a city in Alberta; it’s a way of life. And I am now prepared to teach it to you, Grasshopper.

Jimmy: Look, um, I know you came all the way down here and everything, but I really think I have that whole “mental toughness” thing down. And frankly, if downward facing dog’s involved I don’t think I’m interested.

Ozzie: *wibble* I just wanted to he-elp.

Jimmy: Oh don’t do that. No. Okay. Look, just… Don’t call me Grasshopper and I’ll consider your “Peace River”

Ozzie: Promise?

Jimmy: Promise.

Ozzie: *Throwing duffel bag of spare goalie equipment at Jimmy* Get changed, Grasshopper!

Then this happens:




Jimmy: Okay, am I Peace River now? Can I go play video games?

Ozzie: You’ve only mastered Lesson One, Grasshopper. Saturday you’ll do calligraphy while I poke you in the arm over and over with a stick.