A Detroit Red Wings BBQ

To celebrate the first warm day of spring as well as their recent success, the Detroit Red Wings are having a BBQ. Young goalie, Jimmy Howard, is in his element. OR he would be if he was allowed to help...

Jimmy: Did you use the seasoning I gave you? Are you sure you want to hold the tongs that way? Can I just-
Drapes: Dude, I've been doing this since before you were born. Step. Off. Or I'll remove your spleen with my tongs.
Jimmy: But-
Drapes growls at him and Jimmy yelps and scampers off.

Ozzie: Who wants beer?
Homer and Lebda: Woo!

Across the yard, Uncle Mike is demonstrating to the Super Swede how he can use the Death Stare to take out a squirrel at 30 yards.

The Stare: *zing*
Squirrel: Goodbye Cruel World *dies*
Mike: See a lot of people think it's all in the eyes. But it's just as important to set the jaw.
TPH: *taking notes* Set... the... jaw...
Mike: *snipes a passing seagull* Go ahead and give it a try.
TPH: Well... all right.
He works up his concentration and focuses hard, fixing his blue eyes on the squirrels who have come to perform a funeral for their fallen comrade. Suddenly a heavenly light appears, a choir of angels sings a glorious tune and the dead squirrel springs back to life, waves in gratitude and zips away.
Mike: Um...
TPH: That was wrong, wasn't it?

Mule, Kronner, Meech, Lils, and Raffie are playing two touch and casting uncomfortable glances at Pav and Z who are frolicking across the field. They're laughing as they kick a soccer ball and butterflies, flowers, and woodland creatures spring up and sing behind him. Ericsson is practicing tossing his gorgeous hair in the wind for his romance cover shoot. At least until a swarm of bees mistakes him for a flower and chases him across the yard. Williams is being held up at the gate.

JWill: Look, I swear I'm on the team. I've got ID and everything.
Bouncer: *not looking up from Sudoku* Mmmhmm, I'm sure you do, kid. No autographs today.

So the party is in full swing and it's a fabulous time for everyone. Except Jimmy Howard.

He's prepared all the side dishes: beans, corn, potatoes, fruit salad, deviled egs, popcorn balls, fruit punch, cheetos, chocolate pudding, souffle, chocolate cake, and a tray of his latest biscotti recipe. But he is not happy. Crouching behind a prickly bush, Jimmy Howard squints at Kris Draper. He cringes as Drapes drops the tongs and lets a whole batch of burgers burn while he darts into the two touch game to kronwall Mule.

Ozzie: Dude, what are you doing?
Jimmy: AAAAAAAHHHHH! Don't sneak up on me!
Ozzie: *sipping beer* You're hiding in the bushes.
Jimmy: I know. I know I'm in the bushes. It's so I can watch him.
Ozzie: Watch who?
Jimmy: Draper! He's going to ruin everything! He said he was going to put the seasoning I gave him on the steaks, but he didn't. I can tell. Why would he do that, Ozzie? Does he want everyone to get food poisoning? DOES HE?
Ozzie: I think you need a beer, man.

Homer and Lebda: Woo!

Jimmy: If you're going to mock me, you can walk home.
Ozzie: Look. The only way you're going to get Drapes to give up the barbecue is if you kill him. So why don't you have a drink-

Homer and Lebda: Woo!

Ozzie: -and Peace River about it, okay?
Jimmy: Never!

Ozzie shrugs and heads over to the limbo contest while Jimmy remains crouched behind the shrub. Plotting. Mumbling to himself. At last a light bulb appears above his noggin and he grabs his cell phone. Not five minutes later, a figure dressed in black runs into the party (JWill: You let him in here?) wielding a hockey stick.

Mysterious figure: *whacks at Draper's knees, knocking him down*
Draper: WAAAAA!!?
Jimmy: Don't HURT HIM! Geez! I said don't hurt him!
Mysterious Figure: Relax. I got this.
The man in black pulls a chloroform soaked bag from his utility belt and a long piece of rope. He quickly subdues the ginger forward and locks Draper in the trunk of Ozzie's jeep where he will remain until the goalie can find his keys.

Mysterious Figure: So I'll be in tomorrow then?
Jimmy: Sorry. Holland changed his mind. I tried to call you back but your phone must be on silent or something.
Mysterious Figure: That's Attack Mode! My phone can't go off during an ASSAULT!
Jimmy: Not my problem, man. Say hi to the Liberty Bell for me.
Mysterious Leino: *pouts and stalks off*

Jimmy: *grabbing tongs and tying on favorite apron* Woo hooo! Don't worry guys! I can fix this!
Tuzz: Yo, Jimmy. You cooking now?
Jimmy: *beaming* That's right!
Tuzz: Good. I've got some special dietary needs you're gonna have to cater to.
Jimmy: Oh sure, Todd. Low sodium? Gluten-free? Lactose intolerant? I can do them all.
Tuzz: *hands Jimmy a burlap sack stained with a mysterious substance* Just grill this up for me.
Jimmy: *opens bag and goes pale* There's a kitten in this bag.
Tuzz: Medium-well. Thanks

Jimmy serves up the most fabulous meal any of the Wings have ever eaten. Draper is released and allowed to eat with the team after promising he will never again take the tongs from Jimmy. They eat biscotti and play two touch and practice the Death Stare until Lebda gets so inebriated he starts hitting in Fil. (Lebs: I hope you know CPR, 'cause you just took my breath away. Homer: Uhhh... That's not right, man.) Then everyone knows it's time to go home.