Peace River

Scene: It’s dusk on Monday night. Game 7 is tomorrow. Each of the players is dealing with it in their own way. Some drink. Some go on a candy binge. Some read confusing Russian novels. Some get their highlights retouched. Jimmy Howard would like to be playing video games or talking the hotel chefs into letting him run the kitchens for an our, but he’s received an urgent message from Ozzie, telling him to arrive at a certain address for “Game Prep.”

Jimmy sighs, but obediently gets out his GPS (programmed to sound like an Australian girl named Kimberly), hotwires a car from the parking lot, and drives to the undisclosed location. He turns in front of the last cactus on the left and pulls to a stop in front of the building. And decides that Kimberly has no idea what she’s talking about.

The sign on the establishment reads: Twisty Limbs Yoga Studio.

Jimmy: *pulls out cell phone; hits speed dial 2*

Ozzie: You better not be driving. Do you know how many cell phone related accidents happen each year? It’s a little late in the year to be breaking in a new goalie.

Jimmy: You gave me the wrong address. I knew 82 Tumbleweed Drive sounded fishy

Ozzie: No, no that’s right? Are you here? Hurry up; the coffee maker is trying to kill me.

Jimmy: You sent me to a Yoga Studio?

Ozzie: Argh! It’s spraying something! That’s not coffee! Aaaaarrrgggh *gurglecrashbang*

The line goes dead. Jimmy shakes his head but goes to enter the building.

Ozzie is in the large, open studio, barefoot, but otherwise in full gear. He’s struggling with a coffee pot in the corner, somehow having gotten tangled with the cord and covered with a black liquid.

Ozzie: It’s fighting back! Ack! *strangling, turning blue*

Jimmy: Again? Seriously? Your blood is like 90% caffeine; how do you not know how to work the coffee pot?

Ozzie: ASDLJ;K;DFLKA’AK;! *strangulation*

Jimmy frees Ozzie from the perilous machinery and gets a consumable beverage brewing.

Jimmy: Are you going to tell me what we’re doing here? I’m trying to unlock the Special Cup on Mario Cart

Ozzie: You haven’t beaten that yet? Haven’t you been playing for like 3 months?

Jimmy: WHY ARE WE IN A YOGA STUDIO?

Ozzie: *setting down his coffee mug and assuming Zen Mode* We have a very important game tomorrow. You can’t have nerves getting in the way of your performance.

Jimmy: But I’m not ner-

Ozzie: So I’ve decided it’s time to teach you the ways of Peace River.

Jimmy: Peace River?

Ozzie: Peace River.

Jimmy: Isn’t that in Alberta?

Ozzie: It’s really more a state of mind.

Jimmy: No, I’m pretty sure it’s in Alberta. I read your bio on Wikipedia. You’re s’posed to be good at elephant polo too.

Ozzie: No Elephants! *coughs, regathers self* Peace River is not just a city in Alberta; it’s a way of life. And I am now prepared to teach it to you, Grasshopper.

Jimmy: Look, um, I know you came all the way down here and everything, but I really think I have that whole “mental toughness” thing down. And frankly, if downward facing dog’s involved I don’t think I’m interested.

Ozzie: *wibble* I just wanted to he-elp.

Jimmy: Oh don’t do that. No. Okay. Look, just… Don’t call me Grasshopper and I’ll consider your “Peace River”

Ozzie: Promise?

Jimmy: Promise.

Ozzie: *Throwing duffel bag of spare goalie equipment at Jimmy* Get changed, Grasshopper!

Then this happens:




Jimmy: Okay, am I Peace River now? Can I go play video games?

Ozzie: You’ve only mastered Lesson One, Grasshopper. Saturday you’ll do calligraphy while I poke you in the arm over and over with a stick.

Plane Ride

Alright, so this particular story requires me to drop some linkspam on you guys. We mention the game Sushi Cat in this story (A disgustingly addictive game) so here is the link if you're at all curious.
http://games.yahoo.com/free-games/sushi-cat
Now on to the story! ^_^

On the way home from Phoenix, all of the Red Wings were sound asleep. Well, except for one...

Jimmy:*Playing Sushi Cat and bursting into fits of giggles*
Bertuzzi: Jimmy! Will you STFU?! We're trying to sleep here!!!
Jimmy: But.....you don't understand!!!! *Wibble*
Ozzie: *Sigh* Todd, what did you do? That's so not Peace River......
Bertuzzi: Well....I was tired an-
Ozzie: *Points at Jimmy, who is struggling to hold back tears*
Bertuzzi: Aw come on Jimmy, don't do that....I didn't mean it....
Jimmy: *Sniffle* I was just trying to occupy my time since Ozzie took my Pokemon cards away....you didn't have to say STFU either....that was harsh....
Bertuzzi: Pokemon cards....Seriously??!!
Jimmy: I don't even have my Sandshrew anymore!!! *cries into his pillow*
Ozzie: *Walks over to Jimmy* You'll get your cards back, you were just getting a little out of control with it that's all.

Lidstrom walks over to see what is going on, because he's the Super Swede.

Swede: Guys, quiet down....we don't wan tot wake up Babcock.
Horror Music: Plays creepily
Bertuzzi: *looks at ceiling* Where did that even come from?!
Ozzie: Jimmy....You're gonna have to let go man....I can't breathe
Jimmy: *Loosens death grip on Ozzie's neck* I sowy...*wibble*
Swede: Anyways, why did you take his cards away?
Ozzie: He was getting obsessive and it go to the point where he wasn't sleeping, he was studying tactics for more battles trying to "Catch 'em all". It's seem that he's just traded addictions though.....
Jimmy: Leave me and Sushi cat alone!!! You home wrecker!!! *huggles laptop protectively to his chest*

The windows begin to ice over and suddenly it gets harder to breathe. Out of the shawdows Babcock steps forward from the darkness, eyes red with fury and premature awakening crankiness.

Babcock: *Near death glare* Don't make me use this *points at eyes*
They all: *Wibble and go to bed*

Time Out

The air in the room is tense. A single low-watt bulb flickers overhead. Water drips from the ceiling. A snow white dove escapes The Perfect Human’s brow.* Every eye in the room is on Mike Babcock who is looking down, burning a hole in the cement floor.

E: Is he having a stroke? Should we- Mmph
Lils: Shut. Up. Are you trying to get us all killed?

Not one of the men has their head raised. Jimmy Howard is sitting on the floor, having broken his stool against the wall. Now he is holding a stick in his hands, trying to snap it in two without drawing attention to himself.

Ozzie: Dude, P-
Jimmy: No I will not “Peace River!” I’ve had enough of your mellow, hippie, coffee-drinking. I am Angry River, dammit!
Ozzie: Shhhhhhh!

Babs: *finally looks up*
Entire Team: *recoils in horror*

Much to their relief, nothing and no one is vaporized.

Babs: Well I guess you all know why you’re here. You know why I’m disappointed in you.
Team: *sad nod*
Babs: Then you know what needs to happen now. I want you-
TPH: I’m putting myself in time out!
Babs: What?
TPH: *recovers from his emotional outburst and proceeds stoically* I’d just like to apologize to everyone. My performance was not what it should be. I’m going to go sit in time out and think about what I’ve done.
He rises regally and departs, a flock of doves following after him.

Babs: *thrown off, but trying to regroup* Right well, I hope the rest of you realize Swede isn’t the only one who-

Jimmy: *wibble* I’m going to time out too! *flees*
Mule: Me too!
Hank: Me three!

Babs: What? Hank, you don’t need time out. You’re doing fine.
Hank: I can always be better!

The entire team leaves the room to sit in time out for a while. Babs is left sputtering and annoyed. All that time working himself up to a frothy rage and no one to unleash it on.

But there is still one person left in the room.

Ozzie: Wow you cleared the room. Good job.
Babs: *grins, looking like the Grinch*
Ozzie: Why are you looking at me like that?
Death Stare: *set to stun*
Ozzie: *whimpers*
Babs: TIME OUT!
Ozzie: But I didn’t even play!
Babs: There are SCRIBBLES all over the face off charts. You have a GROCERY LIST in the margin. They make erasers for a reason, you barbarian.
Ozzie: But-
Babs: Time out! Go!
Ozzie: Yipe! *scampers off*

Babs: *triumphant* Excellent. Good work, Babcock. Way to keep ‘em in line. Let’s go kill a moose and mail it to Shane Doan.



^This is why I don't worry about our boys. Because they put themselves in time out^

*He's the Perfect Human. He sweats doves, okay?

Hi

Allison: So Tessa brought it to my attention that we maybe should have introduced ourselves before we burst in and put our dirty feet up on your sofa. She's usually right.

I'm a relatively new hockey fan, which is to say I've been watching for 2 years. I love how that would make me an old hand at anything else but in hockey years I am light years behind you lifers. It's cool; I'll catch up. Anyhow, I fell in love with the Detroit Red Wings and dealt with that in the only approach at my disposal: intense fangirlry.

This blog really started during last year's playoff series against Chicago. Specifically when Ozzie was pulled for "dehydration" and Conks got to play for a bit. Or as our reporters discovered really happened:

Ozzie: *clapping hands together* Well we seem to have this game pretty well wrapped up. I am going to get some Starbucks. Ty, man, you can take over. If you want. I mean you don't have to. I really don't think there's any way they're coming back from this so if you want a nice iced coffee or some biscotti or something...

So Ozzie was revealed to be a Starbucks junkie and soon we uncovered many other secret habits our boys had kept hidden... until now. The italics weren't really necessary. I apologize. But this is the stuff we annoy our friends and family with day after day. And now we bring it to you. So sorry about that.


Tessa: I guess I'm what you would call a "baby" hockey fan. I began watching the Wings at the very beginning of last year's playoffs and it's safe to say I fell in love with it. I don't think it's just the game though; I really like the players. They all seem so collected and classy. So I did what I always do when I love something. I create absurd stories with my cousin, Alli. Eventually the stories just began building up til it got to the point we had to share them with someone else besides our friends and family.

Whether it be Jimmy's mad cooking skills, Bert eating kittens, or one of Pav's various personalities, I hope someone will find it amusing.

A Detroit Red Wings BBQ

To celebrate the first warm day of spring as well as their recent success, the Detroit Red Wings are having a BBQ. Young goalie, Jimmy Howard, is in his element. OR he would be if he was allowed to help...

Jimmy: Did you use the seasoning I gave you? Are you sure you want to hold the tongs that way? Can I just-
Drapes: Dude, I've been doing this since before you were born. Step. Off. Or I'll remove your spleen with my tongs.
Jimmy: But-
Drapes growls at him and Jimmy yelps and scampers off.

Ozzie: Who wants beer?
Homer and Lebda: Woo!

Across the yard, Uncle Mike is demonstrating to the Super Swede how he can use the Death Stare to take out a squirrel at 30 yards.

The Stare: *zing*
Squirrel: Goodbye Cruel World *dies*
Mike: See a lot of people think it's all in the eyes. But it's just as important to set the jaw.
TPH: *taking notes* Set... the... jaw...
Mike: *snipes a passing seagull* Go ahead and give it a try.
TPH: Well... all right.
He works up his concentration and focuses hard, fixing his blue eyes on the squirrels who have come to perform a funeral for their fallen comrade. Suddenly a heavenly light appears, a choir of angels sings a glorious tune and the dead squirrel springs back to life, waves in gratitude and zips away.
Mike: Um...
TPH: That was wrong, wasn't it?

Mule, Kronner, Meech, Lils, and Raffie are playing two touch and casting uncomfortable glances at Pav and Z who are frolicking across the field. They're laughing as they kick a soccer ball and butterflies, flowers, and woodland creatures spring up and sing behind him. Ericsson is practicing tossing his gorgeous hair in the wind for his romance cover shoot. At least until a swarm of bees mistakes him for a flower and chases him across the yard. Williams is being held up at the gate.

JWill: Look, I swear I'm on the team. I've got ID and everything.
Bouncer: *not looking up from Sudoku* Mmmhmm, I'm sure you do, kid. No autographs today.

So the party is in full swing and it's a fabulous time for everyone. Except Jimmy Howard.

He's prepared all the side dishes: beans, corn, potatoes, fruit salad, deviled egs, popcorn balls, fruit punch, cheetos, chocolate pudding, souffle, chocolate cake, and a tray of his latest biscotti recipe. But he is not happy. Crouching behind a prickly bush, Jimmy Howard squints at Kris Draper. He cringes as Drapes drops the tongs and lets a whole batch of burgers burn while he darts into the two touch game to kronwall Mule.

Ozzie: Dude, what are you doing?
Jimmy: AAAAAAAHHHHH! Don't sneak up on me!
Ozzie: *sipping beer* You're hiding in the bushes.
Jimmy: I know. I know I'm in the bushes. It's so I can watch him.
Ozzie: Watch who?
Jimmy: Draper! He's going to ruin everything! He said he was going to put the seasoning I gave him on the steaks, but he didn't. I can tell. Why would he do that, Ozzie? Does he want everyone to get food poisoning? DOES HE?
Ozzie: I think you need a beer, man.

Homer and Lebda: Woo!

Jimmy: If you're going to mock me, you can walk home.
Ozzie: Look. The only way you're going to get Drapes to give up the barbecue is if you kill him. So why don't you have a drink-

Homer and Lebda: Woo!

Ozzie: -and Peace River about it, okay?
Jimmy: Never!

Ozzie shrugs and heads over to the limbo contest while Jimmy remains crouched behind the shrub. Plotting. Mumbling to himself. At last a light bulb appears above his noggin and he grabs his cell phone. Not five minutes later, a figure dressed in black runs into the party (JWill: You let him in here?) wielding a hockey stick.

Mysterious figure: *whacks at Draper's knees, knocking him down*
Draper: WAAAAA!!?
Jimmy: Don't HURT HIM! Geez! I said don't hurt him!
Mysterious Figure: Relax. I got this.
The man in black pulls a chloroform soaked bag from his utility belt and a long piece of rope. He quickly subdues the ginger forward and locks Draper in the trunk of Ozzie's jeep where he will remain until the goalie can find his keys.

Mysterious Figure: So I'll be in tomorrow then?
Jimmy: Sorry. Holland changed his mind. I tried to call you back but your phone must be on silent or something.
Mysterious Figure: That's Attack Mode! My phone can't go off during an ASSAULT!
Jimmy: Not my problem, man. Say hi to the Liberty Bell for me.
Mysterious Leino: *pouts and stalks off*

Jimmy: *grabbing tongs and tying on favorite apron* Woo hooo! Don't worry guys! I can fix this!
Tuzz: Yo, Jimmy. You cooking now?
Jimmy: *beaming* That's right!
Tuzz: Good. I've got some special dietary needs you're gonna have to cater to.
Jimmy: Oh sure, Todd. Low sodium? Gluten-free? Lactose intolerant? I can do them all.
Tuzz: *hands Jimmy a burlap sack stained with a mysterious substance* Just grill this up for me.
Jimmy: *opens bag and goes pale* There's a kitten in this bag.
Tuzz: Medium-well. Thanks

Jimmy serves up the most fabulous meal any of the Wings have ever eaten. Draper is released and allowed to eat with the team after promising he will never again take the tongs from Jimmy. They eat biscotti and play two touch and practice the Death Stare until Lebda gets so inebriated he starts hitting in Fil. (Lebs: I hope you know CPR, 'cause you just took my breath away. Homer: Uhhh... That's not right, man.) Then everyone knows it's time to go home.